seems like old times?

I had a nice night. I went to see a band called forgetters at a place called Lit Lounge with Josh, my old friend from Barnes & Noble. It was really good to see him again and the band was totally great. The venue sucked and we both agreed never to go see a show there again. It's kind of a fire trap, but the main concern was that it was so crowded and so warm and not much air to breathe. But it cost 6 bucks so it was worth it.

I felt a lot of pain about my mom tonight. Being on the A train and being in Washington Heights makes me miss her so terribly. I felt just horrible when i was waiting on the platform to go downtown. I didn't get the knot in my stomach or the intense feeling of nausea, but it was a different kind of uneasiness. I felt like i had to get out of there. But i just rode it out.

All the way on the way to meet Josh i felt this sadness. Even during the show for a split second i thought, oh i have to call my mom to let her know i'm okay and let her know when i'll be home. And i realized that when i used to hang out with Josh 5 years ago that's how it went. I would hang out with him and call my mom at some point to tell her where i was.

On the subway ride home from Union Square i started remembering the hospital again for some reason, especially the emergency room visits. And i thought to myself that it was SO traumatic and i don't think people can begin to comprehend how traumatic they were, how it all was. And i don't understand my need for other people to understand how deep the pain is. It's like i want them to look at me and see how fucking awful it was to have to sit with my mom for 12 hours in the ER or to sleep by my mom's bedside on two chairs pushed together. And how at the time it was all i could do and all i wanted to do, but now looking back i see it wasn't enough. I didn't know then what i know now. That she was being killed by cancer. That we didn't know how quick it would be.

So awful. I definitely hope we get to share more about this in our support group. We all had horrifying experiences and we really need to describe them and talk about them and share the pain.

Tomorrow i'm having brunch with Kate and hopefully talk a little bit about her dad, and i'll just be so happy to see her and spend some time with her.