Thanksgiving's come and gone. One holiday down, two more to go. It was fine, nothing really to hate or complain about but i've decided i want to do Christmas and New Year's Eve away from my family.
Thanksgiving itself was okay and even though i was contemplating just staying home alone up until i got to tia Beatriz's, to get driven to L.I. i ended up not feeling sad while i was around all those people. I didn't actively miss my mom while i was there. It was more like my usual "i hate big groups, especially of people i don't know/don't like" feeling. We ate, my tia Beatriz led the prayer beforehand, i thought about my message i got from Calvary and was glad i decided not to say it, not in front of all those people i don't care about and who don't care about my mom. I ate, sat with one tia, sat with the other and when tia Emilia said she was going back to her apartment i grabbed my coat and bag in a split second. Poor tia was in so much pain from her swollen knees and her arthritic bones. We were up in her apartment before 9:30pm and i think we started eating at like 9. I was so happy to be out of there. We drank tea, i put the tv on and we all went to bed fairly quickly. I watched Family Guy until 11:30 and turned off the tv.
I didn't sleep well at all, as i was on the loveseat and i woke up at 4:30. Arturito was up, too, because that's when he wakes up every morning to go to work. He was trying to go back to sleep. I slept better from then until 8:30 when i got up and tia gave us breakfast. I later realized that i had had really bad nightmares in the earlier part of the night. I dreamt with a giant red snake, with white spots on it. It was in the staircase of my building and it seemed to be floating in the air and was poised to lunge at me. I froze in place for a second and then backed out of the staircase through the exit door and went down the other staircase. I was terrified. I was on my way somewhere and i was carrying either a cat or my bird or another pet in my arms. Then i ended up being in a hospital looking for my mom's room. It was a big hospital, long hallways, everything was stainless steel, almost corporate looking with its elevators and water fountains, very high ceilings and wide corridors, ugly lighting, parking lot. I walked a lot, i think i was with someone else. It makes me nauseous to remember it. I think i found my mom's room and i talked to a doctor outside of it. I can't remember my mom in it. I think she was sick but not on her deathbed.
The next night i dreamt with mom, too, that she was sick but it was like Christmas last year when she was suffering from delirium from the Fentanyl patches. She was frighteningly out of it. tia Angelica was in my dream but we were at tia Beatriz's apartment, not my own. Then i was at some kind of concert with her, i think, or with someone else, and there was a drag queen there and i think i knew that person and he greeted me from the stage.
I did laundry yesterday and some other housework. I'm doing more today. I hate looking at an article of clothing that reminds me that my mother never saw it. I hate my clothes that my mother never knew. So fucked up.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
so...
so i'm sad. i'm so sad.
saw Terence Stamp in westerley buying organic figs and pineapple. i think they were the dried kind.
i bought a ton of teas because they were on sale.
went to jack's 99c and kmart. made myself sad. missed my mom so much. times a thousand. constantly. kept repeating it over and over. held back my tears many times, not always successfully. teared up every time on the escalator. at kmart i went to look at the christmas turtlenecks like the ones i bought for mom last year. sometimes it feels like she died a year ago and sometimes it feels like she's so close. like i was just with her and i was just buying her an outfit for christmas and we were just taking photos at rockefeller center.
i was sad and i cried and i thought of her and i thought of what she would have wanted for me and if she'd have been upset that i was looking at all that unnecessary crap in kmart and thinking of throwing away my money. i ended up leaving kmart and spending my money at jack's. i think wisely. only thing i really need to buy now are carrots and milk.
i cried on the subway home a little bit. i saw dave chappelle on the train and that was really weird. i wanted to tell him that my mother died and it's bumming me out and has he ever dealt with that.
i got home and wanted to do laundry and cook and do a lot but didn't. i fed my birds, moved the new chair and tried to make space. i threw out my recyclables, i washed two of my wastebaskets. i showered. i made tea.
at jacks' i thought about decorating for christmas and i got a little enthusiastic about making my apartment nice. i also thought that i couldn't imagine it having any meaning or worth without my mother here. both feelings at the same time. angry and incredulous and hurt that she's gone.
i know i'll be okay, i told myself, but it hurts so much i get worried about how i'll survive all the holiday cheer and atmosphere. i love it but it feels like a mad world, like chaos. and i constantly have so many regrets. i want do-overs.
i saw a couple of cancer books at kmart that i want to read. one about a young girl who died of cancer and the other was about farrah fawcett.
my question for dr hirsh next week is: what do i do if i can only remember the bad moments with my mom? what if i can't remember the happy times or the normal times? the not-cancer times?
why didn't i know? why didn't i know it was cancer? why did i think that she would be fine and it was just a digestive problem that we'd easily resolve? even when i read on the pancreatitis forums about how life-altering that condition is. i thought i'd do the right things for her and she'd be fine.
The mass yesterday was perfect. i was nervous and reluctant to go but it was beautiful and they sang one of my mom's favorite songs during communion, Tu Reinaras, and the fact that there was music was amazing because that's what mom asked me for. The priest ACTUALLY made me consider becoming Catholic again, so i was very happy with him. He was Venezuelan. I held back tears a lot. He talked about thinking about our time here on Earth and how we're going to honor our life, through service and learning. he said that God is the alpha and the omega and that we are the point in between. it was the day of Christ the King, the last calendar day of the Christian calendar (?). Advent started today, i guess.
Zoraida and Adela were there, too, besides my tias and Diana. I was so happy. My mom LOVED them. I was so happy that the people she loved were there, and not the people from church who caused her grief and hurt her feelings. Adela told me that the name of the church in the town she was born is Christ the King. Cool. Zoraida's the best. Every time i see her she talks about how much she still remembers my mom and tells me how special my mom was. and she said my mom was a good dancer. i say my mom loved to dance. Zoraida REALLY talks to me about my mom and REALLY asks me how i'm doing. i love it.
At the end of the mass they played an instrumental version of Ave Maria. I thought that was great because it's what Junior sang at my mom's funeral mass.
Adela is such a sweet wonderful lady. We treated her to brunch, went to Metro Diner. It was great. Zoraida was going to catch the new Almodovar so we didn't invite her but i saw her later in the afternoon at tias. Tia Emilia cut her hair while i slept off the Manishevitz that tia Beatriz bought. That stuff is too strong for me! I asked them how they came to love that wine. It's not a wine to be liked, it serves a purpose, i said. Anyway, they love it and so did my mom. Weirdos.
After brunch went to EJs and he basically gave me a living room starter kit. I'm so happy to have real furniture. Diana drove me home and helped me drop it off. Later in the evening i ended up going back to Long Island with her and tia and hung out with Diana the whole night. It was great.
What would i do without my family?
saw Terence Stamp in westerley buying organic figs and pineapple. i think they were the dried kind.
i bought a ton of teas because they were on sale.
went to jack's 99c and kmart. made myself sad. missed my mom so much. times a thousand. constantly. kept repeating it over and over. held back my tears many times, not always successfully. teared up every time on the escalator. at kmart i went to look at the christmas turtlenecks like the ones i bought for mom last year. sometimes it feels like she died a year ago and sometimes it feels like she's so close. like i was just with her and i was just buying her an outfit for christmas and we were just taking photos at rockefeller center.
i was sad and i cried and i thought of her and i thought of what she would have wanted for me and if she'd have been upset that i was looking at all that unnecessary crap in kmart and thinking of throwing away my money. i ended up leaving kmart and spending my money at jack's. i think wisely. only thing i really need to buy now are carrots and milk.
i cried on the subway home a little bit. i saw dave chappelle on the train and that was really weird. i wanted to tell him that my mother died and it's bumming me out and has he ever dealt with that.
i got home and wanted to do laundry and cook and do a lot but didn't. i fed my birds, moved the new chair and tried to make space. i threw out my recyclables, i washed two of my wastebaskets. i showered. i made tea.
at jacks' i thought about decorating for christmas and i got a little enthusiastic about making my apartment nice. i also thought that i couldn't imagine it having any meaning or worth without my mother here. both feelings at the same time. angry and incredulous and hurt that she's gone.
i know i'll be okay, i told myself, but it hurts so much i get worried about how i'll survive all the holiday cheer and atmosphere. i love it but it feels like a mad world, like chaos. and i constantly have so many regrets. i want do-overs.
i saw a couple of cancer books at kmart that i want to read. one about a young girl who died of cancer and the other was about farrah fawcett.
my question for dr hirsh next week is: what do i do if i can only remember the bad moments with my mom? what if i can't remember the happy times or the normal times? the not-cancer times?
why didn't i know? why didn't i know it was cancer? why did i think that she would be fine and it was just a digestive problem that we'd easily resolve? even when i read on the pancreatitis forums about how life-altering that condition is. i thought i'd do the right things for her and she'd be fine.
The mass yesterday was perfect. i was nervous and reluctant to go but it was beautiful and they sang one of my mom's favorite songs during communion, Tu Reinaras, and the fact that there was music was amazing because that's what mom asked me for. The priest ACTUALLY made me consider becoming Catholic again, so i was very happy with him. He was Venezuelan. I held back tears a lot. He talked about thinking about our time here on Earth and how we're going to honor our life, through service and learning. he said that God is the alpha and the omega and that we are the point in between. it was the day of Christ the King, the last calendar day of the Christian calendar (?). Advent started today, i guess.
Zoraida and Adela were there, too, besides my tias and Diana. I was so happy. My mom LOVED them. I was so happy that the people she loved were there, and not the people from church who caused her grief and hurt her feelings. Adela told me that the name of the church in the town she was born is Christ the King. Cool. Zoraida's the best. Every time i see her she talks about how much she still remembers my mom and tells me how special my mom was. and she said my mom was a good dancer. i say my mom loved to dance. Zoraida REALLY talks to me about my mom and REALLY asks me how i'm doing. i love it.
At the end of the mass they played an instrumental version of Ave Maria. I thought that was great because it's what Junior sang at my mom's funeral mass.
Adela is such a sweet wonderful lady. We treated her to brunch, went to Metro Diner. It was great. Zoraida was going to catch the new Almodovar so we didn't invite her but i saw her later in the afternoon at tias. Tia Emilia cut her hair while i slept off the Manishevitz that tia Beatriz bought. That stuff is too strong for me! I asked them how they came to love that wine. It's not a wine to be liked, it serves a purpose, i said. Anyway, they love it and so did my mom. Weirdos.
After brunch went to EJs and he basically gave me a living room starter kit. I'm so happy to have real furniture. Diana drove me home and helped me drop it off. Later in the evening i ended up going back to Long Island with her and tia and hung out with Diana the whole night. It was great.
What would i do without my family?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Rite Aid is no longer my oasis
I bought a new mop and a new broom today. I didn't really need them but i bought them anyway.
I stood in the laundry and cleaning aisle at the Rite Aid near Columbia and i practically forced myself to need something: to need that spray bottle for $2.49, those hanger clips, some rope, an over-the-door hook. Just buy something, anything, everything. As i stood there i gave myself a talking-to. This is about comfort and retail therapy, this is me needing to make a purchase and take home an object that will fill the hole in my life. This is my drink, my donut, my dope. I still spent almost $40.
I had actually planned on going to Rite Aid to buy the mop and possibly broom after deciding over the weekend that the ones i have could stand to be replaced. Not a dire necessity by any means but somehow i convinced myself that this was a prudent decision. Searching on the Home Depot and Bed Bath & Beyond websites all day at work didn't yield a satisfying result.
If i buy the perfect mop and broom, i thought, they'll clean the apartment and it'll shine and sparkle and the perfect furniture will magically appear and the walls will be the perfect color. It will be an apartment out one of those magazines with endless ads for kitchen faucets you never knew existed.
If i buy this, my life will be better. If i buy this body lotion for my mom, she'll get better . The fancy dish sponge, the organic garlic cloves, the eco-friendly floor cleaner, the bamboo eye mask. If only i can spend as much money as possible on a simple product then that will be the key to curing my mom. Make everything around her perfect and she'll get better. That was the thinking. The right type of pajamas were just as important as the smoothies and the medicine.
In my evolution or development stage or status of reincarnation I have not yet broken through to relinquishing the material. I've always and still do use buying stuff as an instant remedy. It's never anything fancy. Socks, pens, lightbulbs, books, Skittles, something. I gotta get to that next level of enlightenment.
Walking around the Rite Aid almost felt like an exercise in masochism. My mom and i had walked those aisles together innumerable times. I blasted the rock music in my earphones and plodded around like a zombie, repeating over and over in my head, "i want to die, i want to die, i want to die." I almost didn't notice that i was doing it.
7 months passed and i'm still shocked that every step on the subway stairway and every inch of concrete on Broadway make me long for my mother. The aisles of Rite Aid deafen me with the blare of her absence. They seem almost angry.
I know, i know, i know. I have to grieve and give myself time to do it. But i wait and wait for the shock to go away. One moment i'll miss her and understand that she got sick and died. The next i'll be asking myself, "wait, what? She's gone?"
It all sucks.
The grief, the trauma of emergency rooms and peeling skin and draining fluids, lonely bus rides home, crying on the subway. I wish i could get it all out of my system, i don't know how to do that. I try with this blog.
Most of all the regret. The regret. The memory of being a jerk: mean, lazy, insensitive. Selfish, so selfish.
Yes, sometimes i wonder if it was my fault. If i caused her enough disappointment and frustration that it could actually cause cancer. Maybe i need for it to be my fault. I'll have to ask Dr. Hirsh.
Today after work, Barb and Erika spoke about how great the trees outside the Time Warner Center look, completely strung with the brightest lights i've ever seen. Obnoxiously so, i thought. But then i wasn't feeling that holiday cheer. Those lights mean a whole year passed and this time it's horribly different. It's not that i won't enjoy the holiday season. I think i will. I was enjoying the Christmas music station i listened to at work today. There was a little bit of masochism at work again. Or maybe it's not that at all. Maybe i was just testing myself to see how far i could go with the pain, not for the pleasure of it, but to make myself better. It made me sad but the childhood joy was there, too.
I know winter is going to be painful and the holidays will suck but i KNOW that it won't be like that the whole time. There will be happy and funny and relaxed moments, too.
The sad doesn't take away from the happy. And the happy doesn't take away from the sad. So that's what Dr. Hirsh meant.
It's too late to mop now, but then again, that wasn't really the purpose of my purchase, was it?
I need to write about coats. This whole essay thing for class is not working out for me. I'm supposed to do my homework and i end up writing in here.
I stood in the laundry and cleaning aisle at the Rite Aid near Columbia and i practically forced myself to need something: to need that spray bottle for $2.49, those hanger clips, some rope, an over-the-door hook. Just buy something, anything, everything. As i stood there i gave myself a talking-to. This is about comfort and retail therapy, this is me needing to make a purchase and take home an object that will fill the hole in my life. This is my drink, my donut, my dope. I still spent almost $40.
I had actually planned on going to Rite Aid to buy the mop and possibly broom after deciding over the weekend that the ones i have could stand to be replaced. Not a dire necessity by any means but somehow i convinced myself that this was a prudent decision. Searching on the Home Depot and Bed Bath & Beyond websites all day at work didn't yield a satisfying result.
If i buy the perfect mop and broom, i thought, they'll clean the apartment and it'll shine and sparkle and the perfect furniture will magically appear and the walls will be the perfect color. It will be an apartment out one of those magazines with endless ads for kitchen faucets you never knew existed.
If i buy this, my life will be better. If i buy this body lotion for my mom, she'll get better . The fancy dish sponge, the organic garlic cloves, the eco-friendly floor cleaner, the bamboo eye mask. If only i can spend as much money as possible on a simple product then that will be the key to curing my mom. Make everything around her perfect and she'll get better. That was the thinking. The right type of pajamas were just as important as the smoothies and the medicine.
In my evolution or development stage or status of reincarnation I have not yet broken through to relinquishing the material. I've always and still do use buying stuff as an instant remedy. It's never anything fancy. Socks, pens, lightbulbs, books, Skittles, something. I gotta get to that next level of enlightenment.
Walking around the Rite Aid almost felt like an exercise in masochism. My mom and i had walked those aisles together innumerable times. I blasted the rock music in my earphones and plodded around like a zombie, repeating over and over in my head, "i want to die, i want to die, i want to die." I almost didn't notice that i was doing it.
7 months passed and i'm still shocked that every step on the subway stairway and every inch of concrete on Broadway make me long for my mother. The aisles of Rite Aid deafen me with the blare of her absence. They seem almost angry.
I know, i know, i know. I have to grieve and give myself time to do it. But i wait and wait for the shock to go away. One moment i'll miss her and understand that she got sick and died. The next i'll be asking myself, "wait, what? She's gone?"
It all sucks.
The grief, the trauma of emergency rooms and peeling skin and draining fluids, lonely bus rides home, crying on the subway. I wish i could get it all out of my system, i don't know how to do that. I try with this blog.
Most of all the regret. The regret. The memory of being a jerk: mean, lazy, insensitive. Selfish, so selfish.
Yes, sometimes i wonder if it was my fault. If i caused her enough disappointment and frustration that it could actually cause cancer. Maybe i need for it to be my fault. I'll have to ask Dr. Hirsh.
Today after work, Barb and Erika spoke about how great the trees outside the Time Warner Center look, completely strung with the brightest lights i've ever seen. Obnoxiously so, i thought. But then i wasn't feeling that holiday cheer. Those lights mean a whole year passed and this time it's horribly different. It's not that i won't enjoy the holiday season. I think i will. I was enjoying the Christmas music station i listened to at work today. There was a little bit of masochism at work again. Or maybe it's not that at all. Maybe i was just testing myself to see how far i could go with the pain, not for the pleasure of it, but to make myself better. It made me sad but the childhood joy was there, too.
I know winter is going to be painful and the holidays will suck but i KNOW that it won't be like that the whole time. There will be happy and funny and relaxed moments, too.
The sad doesn't take away from the happy. And the happy doesn't take away from the sad. So that's what Dr. Hirsh meant.
It's too late to mop now, but then again, that wasn't really the purpose of my purchase, was it?
I need to write about coats. This whole essay thing for class is not working out for me. I'm supposed to do my homework and i end up writing in here.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
A-C-H-E-F-O-R
62 Across. Miss terribly. 7 letters
I was just checking out the website feedthepig.org and it has some really good tips and interactive activities to teach about saving money. I need this.
There's a category called "Caring for Aging Parent." I saw it and said aloud to myself, "i wish i was caring for an aging parent."
I slept all day today. Literally. Slept all day. Woke up at around 7:50am. Went to the bathroom like 20 times. Watched some videos online, watched "Muppets in Space." Fell asleep again at 11am. Got up at around 2:40pm and ate some oatmeal and cereal with milk and raspberries. Watched "Muppets in Space" again, since i fell asleep the first time, watched some "Dynasty, " went back to sleep, on and off. I remember it being almost 4, maybe that's when i went to sleep. Woke up at almost 7pm, ate some blue corn nachos with mild salsa. Some strawberries. Glass of soymilk. Tea. Watched "Greenfingers" on Netflix. Really good movie with Clive Owen and Helen Mirren. Based on a true story about British prisoners who became award-winning gardeners. I cried a bit, so that was good.
Trying to go to sleep soon so i can wake up at around 6 or so and do the 100 lbs. of laundry that needs to get washed.
Clean the birdcages. Go to dinner at 5:30 with peeps from work.
I'm wondering why it's so bad for me to become my mother. What if by becoming her i'll be a more awesome person than i could ever be otherwise? I'd like to do gardening. She loved plants and flowers and always talked soothingly to them, while i told them they were ugly, because i thought it was funny.
I was just checking out the website feedthepig.org and it has some really good tips and interactive activities to teach about saving money. I need this.
There's a category called "Caring for Aging Parent." I saw it and said aloud to myself, "i wish i was caring for an aging parent."
I slept all day today. Literally. Slept all day. Woke up at around 7:50am. Went to the bathroom like 20 times. Watched some videos online, watched "Muppets in Space." Fell asleep again at 11am. Got up at around 2:40pm and ate some oatmeal and cereal with milk and raspberries. Watched "Muppets in Space" again, since i fell asleep the first time, watched some "Dynasty, " went back to sleep, on and off. I remember it being almost 4, maybe that's when i went to sleep. Woke up at almost 7pm, ate some blue corn nachos with mild salsa. Some strawberries. Glass of soymilk. Tea. Watched "Greenfingers" on Netflix. Really good movie with Clive Owen and Helen Mirren. Based on a true story about British prisoners who became award-winning gardeners. I cried a bit, so that was good.
Trying to go to sleep soon so i can wake up at around 6 or so and do the 100 lbs. of laundry that needs to get washed.
Clean the birdcages. Go to dinner at 5:30 with peeps from work.
I'm wondering why it's so bad for me to become my mother. What if by becoming her i'll be a more awesome person than i could ever be otherwise? I'd like to do gardening. She loved plants and flowers and always talked soothingly to them, while i told them they were ugly, because i thought it was funny.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Quotation time!
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
In my Lucia's absence
Life hangs upon me, and becomes a burden;
I am ten times undone, while hope, and fear,
And grief, and rage and love rise up at once,
And with variety of pain distract me.
~Joseph Addison
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. ~Arthur Schopenhauer
If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. ~Moliere
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
In my Lucia's absence
Life hangs upon me, and becomes a burden;
I am ten times undone, while hope, and fear,
And grief, and rage and love rise up at once,
And with variety of pain distract me.
~Joseph Addison
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. ~Arthur Schopenhauer
If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. ~Moliere
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley
It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.
~Ovid
~Ovid
Silence is not certain token That no secret grief is there; Sorrow which is never spoken Is the heaviest load to bear.
~ Frances Ridley Havergal
~ Frances Ridley Havergal
We say: mad with joy. We should say: wise with grief.
~ Marguerite Yourcenar
Never does a man know the force that is in him till some mighty affection or grief has humanized the soul.
~Frederick W. Robertson
As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha, as posted on motivateus.com
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief . . . and unspeakable love.
~Washington Irving
~Washington Irving
As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~Sascha, as posted on motivateus.com
this is how we feel
Main Entry: evis·cer·ate
Pronunciation: \i-ˈvi-sə-ˌrāt\
Pronunciation: \i-ˈvi-sə-ˌrāt\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): evis·cer·at·ed; evis·cer·at·ing
Etymology: Latin evisceratus, past participle of eviscerare, from e- + viscera viscera
Date: 1599
transitive verb 1 a : to take out the entrails of : disembowel b : to deprive of vital content or force
2 : to remove an organ from (a patient) or the contents of (an organ)intransitive verb : to protrude through a surgical incision or suffer protrusion of a part through an incision
Contradictions
I logged in and my info said 33 posts. Hmm. That number meant something to me when i started this blog. Now i'm too sad to know if i still care.
I came home tonight to an empty apartment. My cousin moved out tonight while i was at a benefit with people from work.. It feels so different now than it did in April, May, June. I feel more alone than ever. The apartment feels more empty than ever. It's like there's more absence now than there was before. Or the covering up of the absence is now over.
My mother's absence was always present. Now it's the only thing here.
I know i need this emptiness and need to be alone, and by extension i suppose i need this pain, too.
Not only are certain situations comfortingly the same (such as watching Project Runway at Jes' apartment) but some people are comfortingly the same. I see some old ladies and think, 'Thank God she's still alive. I need her to be alive.' But then there are times when i see men or women and think, 'YOU'RE still alive? And my mom, isn't? How is that fair?'
Today was tough. I thought a lot about how unfair it is that my mom died. I kept thinking about why she got cancer, about what caused it, about what i missed, what i could have done to change the course of events and didn't know that i should have done. Same old, same old.
I listened to Sara Montiel and Juan Gabriel and longed for my mom and to share the music with her.
Tonight at the Rockers on Broadway benefit i smiled because it was all 60s music and i thought about how my mom must have been fun (and had fun) in the 60s and how she loved to dance and she loved pop music and despite all the crappiness in her life, i know she had a good time in her youth, going to dances, going out with boys, studying yoga, taking courses like pastry arts or improving her sewing skills. I was thinking of the 60s as a time when my mom was really alive. And so i smiled thinking that if she was around she was enjoying that music, too.
I came home tonight to an empty apartment. My cousin moved out tonight while i was at a benefit with people from work.. It feels so different now than it did in April, May, June. I feel more alone than ever. The apartment feels more empty than ever. It's like there's more absence now than there was before. Or the covering up of the absence is now over.
My mother's absence was always present. Now it's the only thing here.
I know i need this emptiness and need to be alone, and by extension i suppose i need this pain, too.
Not only are certain situations comfortingly the same (such as watching Project Runway at Jes' apartment) but some people are comfortingly the same. I see some old ladies and think, 'Thank God she's still alive. I need her to be alive.' But then there are times when i see men or women and think, 'YOU'RE still alive? And my mom, isn't? How is that fair?'
Today was tough. I thought a lot about how unfair it is that my mom died. I kept thinking about why she got cancer, about what caused it, about what i missed, what i could have done to change the course of events and didn't know that i should have done. Same old, same old.
I listened to Sara Montiel and Juan Gabriel and longed for my mom and to share the music with her.
Tonight at the Rockers on Broadway benefit i smiled because it was all 60s music and i thought about how my mom must have been fun (and had fun) in the 60s and how she loved to dance and she loved pop music and despite all the crappiness in her life, i know she had a good time in her youth, going to dances, going out with boys, studying yoga, taking courses like pastry arts or improving her sewing skills. I was thinking of the 60s as a time when my mom was really alive. And so i smiled thinking that if she was around she was enjoying that music, too.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
no more memories
October is gone. November starts.
I thought to myself today that i don't want to make any new memories. What do i need them for? I don't want anything to push out the memories of my mom. I don't want to run out of room.
All i do is miss her and try to involve her in everything i do.
Yesterday i walked in the Village Halloween Parade and it was fun but only because i imagined my mom watching me from the sidelines, the way she and i always watched the parade together. I hoped she was happy somewhere, maybe, that i made this effort for her.
I thought to myself today that i don't want to make any new memories. What do i need them for? I don't want anything to push out the memories of my mom. I don't want to run out of room.
All i do is miss her and try to involve her in everything i do.
Yesterday i walked in the Village Halloween Parade and it was fun but only because i imagined my mom watching me from the sidelines, the way she and i always watched the parade together. I hoped she was happy somewhere, maybe, that i made this effort for her.
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