Thanksgiving's come and gone. One holiday down, two more to go. It was fine, nothing really to hate or complain about but i've decided i want to do Christmas and New Year's Eve away from my family.
Thanksgiving itself was okay and even though i was contemplating just staying home alone up until i got to tia Beatriz's, to get driven to L.I. i ended up not feeling sad while i was around all those people. I didn't actively miss my mom while i was there. It was more like my usual "i hate big groups, especially of people i don't know/don't like" feeling. We ate, my tia Beatriz led the prayer beforehand, i thought about my message i got from Calvary and was glad i decided not to say it, not in front of all those people i don't care about and who don't care about my mom. I ate, sat with one tia, sat with the other and when tia Emilia said she was going back to her apartment i grabbed my coat and bag in a split second. Poor tia was in so much pain from her swollen knees and her arthritic bones. We were up in her apartment before 9:30pm and i think we started eating at like 9. I was so happy to be out of there. We drank tea, i put the tv on and we all went to bed fairly quickly. I watched Family Guy until 11:30 and turned off the tv.

I didn't sleep well at all, as i was on the loveseat and i woke up at 4:30. Arturito was up, too, because that's when he wakes up every morning to go to work. He was trying to go back to sleep. I slept better from then until 8:30 when i got up and tia gave us breakfast. I later realized that i had had really bad nightmares in the earlier part of the night. I dreamt with a giant red snake, with white spots on it. It was in the staircase of my building and it seemed to be floating in the air and was poised to lunge at me. I froze in place for a second and then backed out of the staircase through the exit door and went down the other staircase. I was terrified. I was on my way somewhere and i was carrying either a cat or my bird or another pet in my arms. Then i ended up being in a hospital looking for my mom's room. It was a big hospital, long hallways, everything was stainless steel, almost corporate looking with its elevators and water fountains, very high ceilings and wide corridors, ugly lighting, parking lot. I walked a lot, i think i was with someone else. It makes me nauseous to remember it. I think i found my mom's room and i talked to a doctor outside of it. I can't remember my mom in it. I think she was sick but not on her deathbed.

The next night i dreamt with mom, too, that she was sick but it was like Christmas last year when she was suffering from delirium from the Fentanyl patches. She was frighteningly out of it. tia Angelica was in my dream but we were at tia Beatriz's apartment, not my own. Then i was at some kind of concert with her, i think, or with someone else, and there was a drag queen there and i think i knew that person and he greeted me from the stage.

I did laundry yesterday and some other housework. I'm doing more today. I hate looking at an article of clothing that reminds me that my mother never saw it. I hate my clothes that my mother never knew. So fucked up.