Contradictions

I logged in and my info said 33 posts. Hmm. That number meant something to me when i started this blog. Now i'm too sad to know if i still care.

I came home tonight to an empty apartment. My cousin moved out tonight while i was at a benefit with people from work.. It feels so different now than it did in April, May, June. I feel more alone than ever. The apartment feels more empty than ever. It's like there's more absence now than there was before. Or the covering up of the absence is now over.
My mother's absence was always present. Now it's the only thing here.
I know i need this emptiness and need to be alone, and by extension i suppose i need this pain, too.

Not only are certain situations comfortingly the same (such as watching Project Runway at Jes' apartment) but some people are comfortingly the same. I see some old ladies and think, 'Thank God she's still alive. I need her to be alive.' But then there are times when i see men or women and think, 'YOU'RE still alive? And my mom, isn't? How is that fair?'

Today was tough. I thought a lot about how unfair it is that my mom died. I kept thinking about why she got cancer, about what caused it, about what i missed, what i could have done to change the course of events and didn't know that i should have done. Same old, same old.
I listened to Sara Montiel and Juan Gabriel and longed for my mom and to share the music with her.
Tonight at the Rockers on Broadway benefit i smiled because it was all 60s music and i thought about how my mom must have been fun (and had fun) in the 60s and how she loved to dance and she loved pop music and despite all the crappiness in her life, i know she had a good time in her youth, going to dances, going out with boys, studying yoga, taking courses like pastry arts or improving her sewing skills. I was thinking of the 60s as a time when my mom was really alive. And so i smiled thinking that if she was around she was enjoying that music, too.