It was a bad week. A tough week. March into April is rough!
I'm grateful that i was able to get through my passport appointment and got it together enough to make the passport happen.
I'm grateful that i made it to Friday, after such a hard week. I'm grateful that i felt better at work after crying the whole night and day before getting to work at 2:30pm.
I'm grateful for my ability and opportunity to look for answers.
I'm grateful for encouragement and knowing that even though it's gonna hurt like hell, my family and friends will hold me up and be there for me when i come out the other side.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Just heard on NPR that Garmin makes a GPS where you can record your own voice and then it mixes it up so that your voice gives the directions.
Is it creepy that i tried to remember how much of my mom's voice i have recorded so that i could put it into a similar program or device and have my mom talk to me?
Unfortunately the truth is i don't have very much of a recording. Oh, i do have those voicemails at work that i haven't figured out how to get off of my phone. Gotta figure that out. There are some really funny voicemails from mom and there are the really sad ones of my mom getting sicker and sicker, from each of the hospital rooms she stayed at.
As much as i'm trying not to make a big deal out of the 1 year anniversary, i realize that i'm constantly checking the countdown in my mind. T minus... and counting.
Why do i feel she's not dead yet? That after April 1st she will be dead, but not yet. Will the second year feel that way, too? Am i going to be stuck in pre-April 1st, 2009, 2:26pm forever? No, not forever, obviously. Nothing lasts forever for me. But for a while? Years?
ETA: Speech synthesis. Like what the Scottish company did to help Roger Ebert speak. Hmmm.
Is it creepy that i tried to remember how much of my mom's voice i have recorded so that i could put it into a similar program or device and have my mom talk to me?
Unfortunately the truth is i don't have very much of a recording. Oh, i do have those voicemails at work that i haven't figured out how to get off of my phone. Gotta figure that out. There are some really funny voicemails from mom and there are the really sad ones of my mom getting sicker and sicker, from each of the hospital rooms she stayed at.
As much as i'm trying not to make a big deal out of the 1 year anniversary, i realize that i'm constantly checking the countdown in my mind. T minus... and counting.
Why do i feel she's not dead yet? That after April 1st she will be dead, but not yet. Will the second year feel that way, too? Am i going to be stuck in pre-April 1st, 2009, 2:26pm forever? No, not forever, obviously. Nothing lasts forever for me. But for a while? Years?
ETA: Speech synthesis. Like what the Scottish company did to help Roger Ebert speak. Hmmm.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Success!
The head has been shaved. I raised more money than i ever imagined i would.
It was a great night. I'm still overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends. Plus major adrenaline rush.
I need to start sleeping like a normal person soon. I'm so wired.
So far, it's nice to not have to pull my hair back to wash my face.
I wish my mom could touch my head.
It was a great night. I'm still overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends. Plus major adrenaline rush.
I need to start sleeping like a normal person soon. I'm so wired.
So far, it's nice to not have to pull my hair back to wash my face.
I wish my mom could touch my head.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
grateful
I have known good people my whole life.
There are so many individuals who have been kind to me, who have encouraged me, who have shown me warmth and given me love.
I am so lucky.
I tend to become too afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing, so i don't feel like i express my appreciation the way i ought to.
Kristeen sings lyrics i just adore:
He implies. He refrains.
He plays kiss-SLAP with a phrase.
His small talk’s a Work of Art.
Those Brit boys love their discourse.
Me? I just want to scream, “OH, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!”
~He's Sickened By My Crude Emotion
I want to scream i love you and i want to scream thank you. I've screwed up in my life but those doors keep opening for me. I want to thank everybody i can remember, for as far back as i can remember.
I bawled my eyes out over the weekend and i feel a lot of sadness and hurt but at the SAME TIME i feel fortunate. Everywhere i look there is a blessing. I know i've had way more than my share of good people in my life.
It's actually overwhelming. I start wanting to pray again. Please help me do the right thing with all of the love that i keep getting. Please help me to not be afraid.
I want to be awake.
There are so many individuals who have been kind to me, who have encouraged me, who have shown me warmth and given me love.
I am so lucky.
I tend to become too afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing, so i don't feel like i express my appreciation the way i ought to.
Kristeen sings lyrics i just adore:
He implies. He refrains.
He plays kiss-SLAP with a phrase.
His small talk’s a Work of Art.
Those Brit boys love their discourse.
Me? I just want to scream, “OH, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!”
~He's Sickened By My Crude Emotion
I want to scream i love you and i want to scream thank you. I've screwed up in my life but those doors keep opening for me. I want to thank everybody i can remember, for as far back as i can remember.
I bawled my eyes out over the weekend and i feel a lot of sadness and hurt but at the SAME TIME i feel fortunate. Everywhere i look there is a blessing. I know i've had way more than my share of good people in my life.
It's actually overwhelming. I start wanting to pray again. Please help me do the right thing with all of the love that i keep getting. Please help me to not be afraid.
I want to be awake.
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