Near the end, i was sitting at my mom's bedside, the hospital bed that was brought by Calvary, and as was my custom, i asked her if she loved me. She said, "mucho." And i asked her if i loved her, and she said "mucho." And i smiled and said, "yes." And in her weakened voice she said, "es una historia de amor. De una madre y una hija que juraron amarse para siempre." And i was floored, but i laughed and tried harder than ever not to cry, and i kissed her. That might be the most beautiful thing she ever said to me.

One month more of hair

Today was a good day.
Fran (and we) got good news about her dad's status. Stunning. Weird how good news can stun you and also make you cry. Maybe that's just me. I probably border more on the incredulity line than other people.
Anyway wonderful, happy news.
Had a wonderful night with Brianne, Kerri, Sara and Alison last night. Just so beautiful. I wanted to watch more home videos! Hear more of Betsy's beautiful voice. We all laughed really hard during one of Alison's stories. What a glorious sight to look around the table at all our laughing faces. It was pure light. One of the great masters should have been there to paint us! It was art! And Bri mentioned how she didn't picture herself laughing yesterday but it happened.

Had a really good session with Dr. Hirsh. As usual (and i hate predictability when i'm dead set against something), my hesitation proved to be wrong because i got a lot out of going.

I talked about how good i felt at the cemetery on Saturday and how i realized it was because it was the first time i was there by myself. I think maybe Georgia pointed it out to me. I could be myself, i didn't have to worry about not crying in front of my family, about not worrying them. That reaction we all seem to have, where we don't want to worry our loved ones and yet they are the most indicated people to take care of us in our time of sorrow.
So the cemetery was beautiful and i kept thinking that if my mom was there, sitting next to me on the bench, she would really like it.

Mike DePope pointed out today that i have four more weeks of hair. The big shave is in one month exactly!

I have a lot more to write about, like my dinner on Saturday and the FAO Schwartz party.

I was thinking today about the amazing ability of our heart to grow. The way we can love things because someone we love loves them. Like the way Elizabeth felt joy from Lady Gaga so then immediately now i like her, when i didn't to begin with. Lady Gaga brings Elizabeth joy and makes her dance in the street, my heart makes room for Lady Gaga.
I don't care much for the Winter Olympics and say that i'm not even interested in overhyped events like figure skating and Kerri says she loves the figure skating event, and she smiles, and i think, you IDIOT! So because of Kerri and Leslie i want to watch figure skating because i make room in my heart for them and what makes them happy.

Granted, i also go in the opposite direction and dislike something when the person i dislike likes it. Apart from clumsy grammar in that sentence, this implies that i close a room in my heart, which would lead to shrinking, which i surmise would be the wrong direction in which to direct my heart.

So more compassion and more love and more patience.

And i had a dream that my dog was named Quentin and Diana didn't like the name so i changed it to Popeye and she liked it better.

Saturday was great. Just what i wanted and what i needed.
On Sunday i saw Andre DeShields in his wonderful show, "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory." It was inspiring, he is inspiring, and for 70 minutes i was alive with empathy, curiosity, longing, laughter and nostalgia.

I let Lucy and Ricky out of the cage tonight because i read that birds need to exercise their breast bones. Poor things. I always criticized my mom for wanting to keep pet birds, for imprisoning them and violating the laws of nature. But now they are my only company and they connect me to her.

I'm watching the first part of "Angels in America." It's completely mind-blowing.

Just in the kitchen, i was thinking about how so many times i really, really want to learn. I love to learn. I want to know more. But i think that more often i don't want to know more. And that will keep me from Buddha nature, from being enlightened.
I don't want to know because i'm afraid. Of everything.
I am the same person i was before my mother died. I saw something horrible happen, but i don't really see how it changed me. At least not for the better. I think wonderful things have happened to me since then, but i don't feel like i've moved more than maybe a centimeter in growth.
If i stay alive i hope i grow and learn. I don't want to be the same person i am today in ten years.

Happy birthday mom 2-13-41

I just got home from the cemetery. It was beautiful, it is a beautiful place. I hadn't been there since Mother's Day last year. Now i feel like i might go back more often because i actually felt a lot of peace and beauty there.
I wrote mom a birthday card/poem/love note. Roses are red, violets are blue and stuff like that. I bought her a single white rose and i taped the card to it, and i planted it in the snow along the bottom of the wall she's in. I listened to Mecano a bit while there.
I was so happy to find a florist shop in the area so i could buy the roses. I'm going to have a celebratory dinner with my friends tonight at Via Brasil, in honor of my mom's love of Brazilian culture and food.
I was really touched by something that happened on my way home. I was waiting at the M4 bus stop and an M5 stopped there but the M4 whizzed on by. I stood there, puzzled, about to get angry, i think i even pouted. Then the M5 bus driver honked her horn and asked me if i wanted to try to catch the M4. So i got on and she told me not to pay anything. I thanked her and she dropped me off at 145th because she knew the M4 had to stop there. I thanked her again and wished her a happy Valentine's day. I really felt like it was such a kind gesture, a random act of kindness, and i felt like my mom was watching out for me. Or, at least, that she was showing me that there are still good things and kind people in the world.

Mecano have so many beautiful love songs and sad songs but i like to think of my mom as the one having fun in this song:

I made a reminder on my Outlook on January 20th to post this to my blog and finally i'm going to. I think i was listening to Pandora at work and this song came up and i knew it had to go in my blog.
It applies to my entire life and all the people, so many people, who have believed in me.

I felt great today. Completely renewed by group last night. Also, the coffee got me wired and productive.
I told Dr. Hirsh about how angry i was after last week's session. He said it's good for me to make a habit of expressing my anger, especially at the time that i feel it. And i felt completely comfortable telling him.
He said i might not realize the capacity of my self-conscious. That's it's like a sponge. Sometimes i hope that things that i hear sink in and don't just go out the other ear.
He also said that i have skills and abilities that i'm not aware of. That i can use this knowledge to rely on them and trust that they will get me through the pain that i feel. Something to think about.

I told him how i think of the things in my life that help me to not sink, help me to hang on. That while i was walking to the subway i thought about Kristeen's music like a rope, one i can hang on to and pull myself back up out of the quicksand.
So Dr. Hirsh looked up KY on iTunes and asked me to name my favorites. "Life's Not Short It's So Long" and "The Depression Contest" were the two i named right off the bat. Then he asked me if i knew The Eels. I don't, so he played this song which is perfect:

I love KY

Once again, Kristeen Young gets me through the day. Thank universe for my headphone at work.
Found this while trying to find a video of her. Love it:
http://www.popnography.com/2010/01/need-to-know-kristeen-young.html

Just got home from my "grief relief" club, as Dr. Hirsh put it.
It's like a fountain of hope and strength. And yes, it provides much relief.
Going down into the subway i thought to myself, i'm so glad that winter's still going strong, i wish i could keep bundling myself up in my coat and never have to dress for summer.
On the way home i thought, i hope winter ends soon because it's causing grief to the people i love. And that made me feel good. To want something more for someone else than for yourself is probably one of the best feelings of being alive.
Sitting at the round table tonight was like plugging into that greater power or universe that many religions talk about. Wishing for strength, peace, happiness, healing, success, love, comfort and wellness for my sisters makes me feel like i need to keep living. So often i feel like the Grinch whose heart grew many sizes. I swear sometimes i can really feel my heart growing. When i feel this connection to my loved ones while still feeling pain inside myself it gives me hope that i can do this thing, life. I can stop caring about myself easily, in a snap. But as soon as i stop caring about other people that's the moment that i will be dead.

I felt so comforted to hear my group sisters cheer me on in my St. Baldrick's commitment.
Like i said to Cara when we were walking on 23rd street, we are so lucky to have each other. It's such a blessing. There's no word to describe it. Maybe it's pure love.

The snow on my street made me cry. I miss my mom in the snow: her short, measured steps, her coat hood secured by the big red scarf, her pretty, red leather gloves.

I don't want to die, and that's the first victory for me.
I'm sad and i'm going to be sad for a long time. And i have to keep swimming, keep my head above water, keep socializing, keep being honest with myself and my loved ones, keep loving people, keep trying to be a better person.
Remember that the dark days make the bright ones possible.

Last week was the first time i left Dr. Hirsh's office and felt worse than when i had walked in. Well, maybe not worse, but definitely not better.
Last week was very dark, which i suppose is good/normal/acceptable considering i had a great week in early January and many good days aside from that.
Mucho grande depression.
I walked out of my building on Saturday night to pick up Chinese food and literally started crying as soon as i stepped onto the sidewalk. It was weird.
I cried all day Tuesday. Big time Tuesday night.
Thursday was bad except for the part where i saw Georgia. I felt sick going home, the sadness really piling up, me standing on the subway platform pacing up and down trying to keep the tears in.
The weekend was horrible.
The fact that i get up, shower and go to work is a good sign. I still care enough to keep my job and get a paycheck and pay my rent and buy food. I'm still on this side of that tug of war.
The freezing cold air on my face last night felt SO good.
Friday night i started reading "Being Peace" on the subway ride home and tried to practice the smiling and it helped. But yesterday i couldn't manage it.
Today, at work, i put the mask back on, smile again. The smiling actually does make me feel better. Also, it's harder to be depressed when i'm among people i know. In a crowd of strangers, it's super easy. But i'm at ease at work, so at least here things feel relatively under control.
And it helps very much that i can tune into NPR or music and engage myself in every way so i'm not left alone to think.