Last week was the first time i left Dr. Hirsh's office and felt worse than when i had walked in. Well, maybe not worse, but definitely not better.
Last week was very dark, which i suppose is good/normal/acceptable considering i had a great week in early January and many good days aside from that.
Mucho grande depression.
I walked out of my building on Saturday night to pick up Chinese food and literally started crying as soon as i stepped onto the sidewalk. It was weird.
I cried all day Tuesday. Big time Tuesday night.
Thursday was bad except for the part where i saw Georgia. I felt sick going home, the sadness really piling up, me standing on the subway platform pacing up and down trying to keep the tears in.
The weekend was horrible.
The fact that i get up, shower and go to work is a good sign. I still care enough to keep my job and get a paycheck and pay my rent and buy food. I'm still on this side of that tug of war.
The freezing cold air on my face last night felt SO good.
Friday night i started reading "Being Peace" on the subway ride home and tried to practice the smiling and it helped. But yesterday i couldn't manage it.
Today, at work, i put the mask back on, smile again. The smiling actually does make me feel better. Also, it's harder to be depressed when i'm among people i know. In a crowd of strangers, it's super easy. But i'm at ease at work, so at least here things feel relatively under control.
And it helps very much that i can tune into NPR or music and engage myself in every way so i'm not left alone to think.