Just got home from my "grief relief" club, as Dr. Hirsh put it.
It's like a fountain of hope and strength. And yes, it provides much relief.
Going down into the subway i thought to myself, i'm so glad that winter's still going strong, i wish i could keep bundling myself up in my coat and never have to dress for summer.
On the way home i thought, i hope winter ends soon because it's causing grief to the people i love. And that made me feel good. To want something more for someone else than for yourself is probably one of the best feelings of being alive.
Sitting at the round table tonight was like plugging into that greater power or universe that many religions talk about. Wishing for strength, peace, happiness, healing, success, love, comfort and wellness for my sisters makes me feel like i need to keep living. So often i feel like the Grinch whose heart grew many sizes. I swear sometimes i can really feel my heart growing. When i feel this connection to my loved ones while still feeling pain inside myself it gives me hope that i can do this thing, life. I can stop caring about myself easily, in a snap. But as soon as i stop caring about other people that's the moment that i will be dead.

I felt so comforted to hear my group sisters cheer me on in my St. Baldrick's commitment.
Like i said to Cara when we were walking on 23rd street, we are so lucky to have each other. It's such a blessing. There's no word to describe it. Maybe it's pure love.

The snow on my street made me cry. I miss my mom in the snow: her short, measured steps, her coat hood secured by the big red scarf, her pretty, red leather gloves.

I don't want to die, and that's the first victory for me.
I'm sad and i'm going to be sad for a long time. And i have to keep swimming, keep my head above water, keep socializing, keep being honest with myself and my loved ones, keep loving people, keep trying to be a better person.
Remember that the dark days make the bright ones possible.