so...

so i'm sad. i'm so sad.
saw Terence Stamp in westerley buying organic figs and pineapple. i think they were the dried kind.
i bought a ton of teas because they were on sale.
went to jack's 99c and kmart. made myself sad. missed my mom so much. times a thousand. constantly. kept repeating it over and over. held back my tears many times, not always successfully. teared up every time on the escalator. at kmart i went to look at the christmas turtlenecks like the ones i bought for mom last year. sometimes it feels like she died a year ago and sometimes it feels like she's so close. like i was just with her and i was just buying her an outfit for christmas and we were just taking photos at rockefeller center.
i was sad and i cried and i thought of her and i thought of what she would have wanted for me and if she'd have been upset that i was looking at all that unnecessary crap in kmart and thinking of throwing away my money. i ended up leaving kmart and spending my money at jack's. i think wisely. only thing i really need to buy now are carrots and milk.
i cried on the subway home a little bit. i saw dave chappelle on the train and that was really weird. i wanted to tell him that my mother died and it's bumming me out and has he ever dealt with that.

i got home and wanted to do laundry and cook and do a lot but didn't. i fed my birds, moved the new chair and tried to make space. i threw out my recyclables, i washed two of my wastebaskets. i showered. i made tea.
at jacks' i thought about decorating for christmas and i got a little enthusiastic about making my apartment nice. i also thought that i couldn't imagine it having any meaning or worth without my mother here. both feelings at the same time. angry and incredulous and hurt that she's gone.
i know i'll be okay, i told myself, but it hurts so much i get worried about how i'll survive all the holiday cheer and atmosphere. i love it but it feels like a mad world, like chaos. and i constantly have so many regrets. i want do-overs.
i saw a couple of cancer books at kmart that i want to read. one about a young girl who died of cancer and the other was about farrah fawcett.
my question for dr hirsh next week is: what do i do if i can only remember the bad moments with my mom? what if i can't remember the happy times or the normal times? the not-cancer times?
why didn't i know? why didn't i know it was cancer? why did i think that she would be fine and it was just a digestive problem that we'd easily resolve? even when i read on the pancreatitis forums about how life-altering that condition is. i thought i'd do the right things for her and she'd be fine.

The mass yesterday was perfect. i was nervous and reluctant to go but it was beautiful and they sang one of my mom's favorite songs during communion, Tu Reinaras, and the fact that there was music was amazing because that's what mom asked me for. The priest ACTUALLY made me consider becoming Catholic again, so i was very happy with him. He was Venezuelan. I held back tears a lot. He talked about thinking about our time here on Earth and how we're going to honor our life, through service and learning. he said that God is the alpha and the omega and that we are the point in between. it was the day of Christ the King, the last calendar day of the Christian calendar (?). Advent started today, i guess.
Zoraida and Adela were there, too, besides my tias and Diana. I was so happy. My mom LOVED them. I was so happy that the people she loved were there, and not the people from church who caused her grief and hurt her feelings. Adela told me that the name of the church in the town she was born is Christ the King. Cool. Zoraida's the best. Every time i see her she talks about how much she still remembers my mom and tells me how special my mom was. and she said my mom was a good dancer. i say my mom loved to dance. Zoraida REALLY talks to me about my mom and REALLY asks me how i'm doing. i love it.
At the end of the mass they played an instrumental version of Ave Maria. I thought that was great because it's what Junior sang at my mom's funeral mass.
Adela is such a sweet wonderful lady. We treated her to brunch, went to Metro Diner. It was great. Zoraida was going to catch the new Almodovar so we didn't invite her but i saw her later in the afternoon at tias. Tia Emilia cut her hair while i slept off the Manishevitz that tia Beatriz bought. That stuff is too strong for me! I asked them how they came to love that wine. It's not a wine to be liked, it serves a purpose, i said. Anyway, they love it and so did my mom. Weirdos.
After brunch went to EJs and he basically gave me a living room starter kit. I'm so happy to have real furniture. Diana drove me home and helped me drop it off. Later in the evening i ended up going back to Long Island with her and tia and hung out with Diana the whole night. It was great.
What would i do without my family?