i know it's gonna happen someday

I'm still a little disconcerted by my need to let other people know that i'm okay.

I guess it's mainly my family to whom i feel compelled to prove that i'm fine. I talked to my cousin Richie tonight as i was leaving tia Beatriz's apartment and we stood on the street for about 15 minutes talking, it was good. He was very caring and expressed to me that he would be a straight shooter with me and tell me how he sees things in my life. But then he was a little vague in talking about how one needs to move on in life and that while being single is not a bad thing, being in a relationship is also important. That there comes a time when you have to decide not to be depressed anymore and to stop feeling self pity. Strange choice of words, i thought. He shared a lot about his own dramas and ups and downs with relationships. At one point he was implying that i should think about being in a relationship and i felt myself compelled to tell him that i'm okay, that i'm actually pretty active socially. I used the same line i used on tia Emilia: i go to work every day, i bathe daily, i do my laundry, i sweep my floors; i'm living, i haven't stopped that.

I'm confused about what they see as being wrong with me. I can't help but think that they look at me and think "something's wrong with Monica." The truth is my mother died from cancer in a very short period of time and this is the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me. It's also true that i am a very different person than my cousins, and i've always felt very different than how i'm "supposed" to be in my family.

It could just be some kind of supposition on my part, but that's how i've always felt. And today, i say proudly, "i am different from you guys, and i like the way i am (for the most part)." I mean, i have plenty of self-esteem issues but i feel firmly that my quiet, introspective way of being is WHO I AM. Just because i don't go crazy partying and dancing on tables and drinking up a storm doesn't mean i don't like to have fun, or that i don't know how to have fun. Yes, i'm shy, and yes i also am very committment-phobic and intimacy-phobic, i guess. But i'm not a mess. Maybe i'm not as awesomely excellent, powerful and triumphant as i think i should be, but i learned a lesson about shoulds and coulds this week. "Could" means I have the choice. I'm trying to choose to be me, the me i know i am.

I want to be able to shrug off the implications that i should be "better" by now. Some people communicate that to me, or that they're anticipating the moment when i'm "better" and no longer "sad." I know that they love me but are clueless. And i don't think it's my job to teach them about grief. I have my girls in my support circle and WE know what other people in our lives may not be able to know. I'm going to try to let the concerns that my family members express about my state of "recovery" just roll off, like water from a duck's back, the way Frances used to tell me to do.

I'm hurt and sad but i don't hopeless. I have faith that i will come out of this event a new person and a whole person. I have faith that i will be okay, that life will be okay. I have to believe this, because it HAS to be that way. I can't believe anything other than that. It will hurt for as long as it has to hurt. And I'll go through more pain because i can't play my life with a remote control the way i can play a dvd. Things are out of our control, and that's just the way it is. And sadness is not the opposite of joy, they are in fact partners. Without darkness there wouldn't be light and vice versa. I have to reassure myself with these thoughts. I probably won't be thinking them when my heart is searing and i feel like i'm going to vomit on the street. But when i'm NOT feeling that i have to coach myself and comfort myself and give myself hope. I know it's gonna happen someday.

My love, wherever you are
Whatever you are
Don't lose faith
I know it's gonna happen someday
To you

Please wait ...
Please wait ...
Oh ...
Wait ...
Don't lose faith

You say that the day just never arrives
And it's never seemed so far away
Still, I know it's gonna happen someday
To you

Please wait ...
Don't lose faith