24 weeks

Today i looked at the calendar and counted weeks since April 1st. Well, it's been 24 weeks, 6 months since my mom died. My first reaction was very matter-of-fact. Kind of like, yep, this is how it goes. I didn't feel any particular sadness or heaviness. Nothing different. But as the day went on i really kept repeating it to myself. By the time i took the subway to Washington Heights, to make sure the keys to Corey and Dana's apartment worked (for catsitting), i was slowly becoming a mess. I even remarked to myself that i hadn't cried on a subway train in a while. On the ride back down to 125th st, that streak had ended. I, once again, was reminded that grief can come at any time, in any place and it hits just as hard as any time before.

The memories combined with the idea that i won't see her again form a terrible net that falls over me and traps me.
I haven't been able to write the way i've wanted to in the past few days. The ups and downs are so much quicker and unpredictable. I have a general sense of being "okay," not about to fall off the precipice or anything. But i still don't know what direction to go in.

I'm SO tempted to shave my head.
I talked to Arturo finally tonight and it was great and we both got a lot off our chests and i just reiterated to him how much i love him and i tried to make sure that statement got past his hurt feelings. I feel that we ended the conversation well. At first i was annoyed that he needed to make this about HIM leaving, rather than me asking him to leave. Then he flat out told me that he didn't understand how or why i could ask him to leave. He sounded like it really was a foreign concept or an egregious breach of protocol. He said that he had lived with a friend he couldn't stand but would have never asked that guy to leave. I made sure he understood MY point of view, i mean i tried to make him understand. I said that i only just discovered how much i need to be alone in my own space in order to grow and let go of my mom and move forward in any way. I told him that right now, him living with me was not the right choice or the right situation. He said that he needs to find a place of his own, where he doesn't feel like he's imposing on someone and where he can play his music as loud as he wants and decorate the place the way he wants, etc. And although he created a really good space for himself in his room, it was obvious that i wasn't happy with him around. I mean, i know that vibe was always in the air. So i realize that we both are on paths to self-discovery and our energies just couldn't fit in the same living space. I hope he understand that, too.

I'm still annoyed that i keep imagining the conversations between my family members and imagining all the assumptions they're making that would drive me crazy if i heard them. I have a need for them to understand me, but i also know that it's not my job to make them see things my way. I'm me, and they are not me. It's okay that i can't control their thoughts and opinions. They love me and i love them and if we ever think or say the wrong thing to each other, it's only a natural consequence of human relationships. This isn't a book or movie that's all planned out already, there is no script. I want to love and respect them and make sure they love and respect me and what else can we do?

Anyway, Artu and i talked about spiritual growth and figuring out who we are and growing up and it was great. It lacked the tension that's been there lately. So he told me that it's believed that hair has karma. Like in the story of Samson and Delilah. And that the cutting of hair can mean getting rid of karma, just like in many belief systems growing your hair long has a deep significance. I had just shared with him that every time i cut my hair it feels AMAZING. So liberating and so...great. It feels like i can breath and like my chest expands and i feel taller. So when he told me about the hair and karma thing it made SO much sense to me. I feel like i'm shedding my skin; i feel like this new life that i have to live now without my mother is one that requires me to be born again, to be naked, to grow my new hair and to see myself as someone i've never looked at before.

I really want to shave my head.