do-over

I watched the Emmys tonight at Corey and Dana's apt. I was glad i did because i laughed and just enjoyed the show in general. I cried as soon as the music started for the In Memoriam portion of the show. Sarah McLachlan came onstage and just the beginning notes of the song got me crying. She sang "I Will Remember You," as the pictures of deceased stars appeared on the screen. I don't think i've heard that song since my mom died. It is one powerful song. My first thought was that i wanted to see my mom's name up there on the screen.

I cried on the bus ride home. I waited about 20 minutes for the bus to come and the last stop was at 135th and Broadway. I got off and had my headphones on and ignored the bus driver who was honking his horn at me. I finally stopped and he opened his door and asked me if i was going to the bottome of the hill. I said yes and he told me to get on. I hesitated for a split second but figured i'd trust him. He was really just being nice. So he dropped me off at 125th and i crossed Broadway and walked up the block to my building. I had been crying on the bus, and crying on the street when i got off, not very visibly, i don't think. It was just a surpise that he was so kind to me at that moment. It was very nice.

I was just thinking that it makes me angry that i don't get to apply what i know now to my life and relationship with my mother. I would make up for so many bad things i did. I can't believe i don't get a do-over. It's just so unfair that now i feel my love for her so much more intensely and with a much greater perspective, but i can't give it to her or show it to her.

I was getting angry and had to stop myself from thinking about how sick my mom was last year and how much freaking time she spent at doctor's offices and at the hospital for appointments for everything from her hand to her sprained ankle to her perpetual stomach ache. And from January to October nobody really did anything to help her. Dr. i forgot his name already at Mount Sinai said he guessed (in October) that the cancer been there for about a year. Well my mom had told me that she felt awful the previous winter, so i think she definitely felt and knew. And in the first months of 2008 i know she didn't feel well because she told me. Then in April she had that awful pain in her abdomen which nobody could explain. So i think about that and how she lived for 6 months after her official diagnosis but was surely sick with cancer for much longer than that. The end of September was when her bile duct got blocked and i guess when her body really started breaking down, even though before that she had already lost SO much weight. I really hate thinking that there were so many signs of her illness but still nobody took notice. Or worse, no doctor cared enough.

Why does this seem to happen to me every Sunday night and then i don't want to go to sleep because i'm too angry or anxious or sad to want to even rest or relax.

The last 5 days have been pretty sad for me. I really hope that in 2 or 3 years it just doesn't hurt as much. I imagine and assume that you get more used to the fact that your loved one is gone. I just don't believe it can hurt this much for so many years. I cannot imagine 10 years of such pain. I don't think the human spirit will allow it, will it?