Hello Twenty-ten.
oh my, look at all these welts. My birdie bit the shit out of me. She got angry when i was on the phone with my tia. Heehee. I love her so i find it endearing.

I had a really great dream with my mom last night, at Jes' apartment. I spent the night on her couch, after we watched the ball drop and then watched some episodes of Sex and the City. I slept very comfortably and, most importantly, warmly. I dreamt that my mom and i were in a costume store and Vicky from Barnes & Noble was there and maybe some other old coworkers from various jobs. But they were taking a big group picture of people in costumes and i put my mom in an ivory, off the shoulder dress or long blouse and put her up front, next to David Nellis, and i didn't get a chance to dress up so i ducked down behind the shelves, with all the other un-costumed people and i watched my mom from behind one of the shelves and she was laughing with David and they were pretending to toast with martini glasses and my mom was so cute and i thought to myself, i'll have a great photo to remember her by. I was also pleased that David seemed to be enjoying my mom. It was like i knew she was going to die. I found an "Annie" (like the movie musical) costume to wear but never got a chance to actually put it on. Before this scenario, i think, we were in the store and some tall, menacing looking guys walked in, like a gang or something but dressed like members of KISS and i grabbed my mom's hand and walked toward the back of the store (really high ceilings, like a warehouse or loft) to get away from this potential trouble. But then it ended up being okay, i guess, since it turned into a photo op. This was triggered by the actual photo session we had at work on Thursday, where Freddie made us all wear 2010 foam crowns on our heads.
The next dream was about me being at a pool of some sort and being in a one piece bathing suit and getting into the water despite people warning me not to. But i got in and it was warm and felt great and i was happy. And i felt distinctly surprised that i was so happy and comfortable. As i was awakening and trying to record the memory of the dream, i felt like i was watching my mother in the water but i knew it was me. Like i was playing her or something, because she was the one who loved the water, and who is wearing one piece bathing suits in all those photos from her youth.

I woke up feeling like my mother was with me.

I cried a lot when i got home from work yesterday. Hard. Eventually it subsided and i fell asleep. I forced myself to get up and eat something and i had to get ready to go to Jes' apt. I guess i got there a little bit before 11pm. I was really glad to spend the night with her. I knew she would want to lay low after such a horrible experience of being mugged at gunpoint the night before. Unbelievable. Thank God nothing happened to her other than getting her purse stolen. I'm lucky to have Jes and i love that we can sit on the couch and watch tv and just be there for each other. She's just about my only New Year's Eve tradition. I had thought that i'd make noise and be sparkly this year, celebrate in memory of my mom's party spirit. But that's because i didn't count on feeling so horribly wretchedly sad. Just watching tv was exactly how i needed it to be.

As i was leaving my apartment last night, i looked at the calendar on the door and realized that it was still turned to October. So i turned to the December page, just to finish off the year right, and i was overtaken by pain, thinking that my mom saw this calendar begin, but she never saw it end. This calendar outlived my mom. Fucking sucks.

And i realized very loudly, intensely, angrily, that it really gets worse. The loss and grief get worse with every month that goes by. I can only have faith that in the long run, however long that is, it gets better.

I have no wishes for twenty ten. Well, no more deaths. Please.