Had a light anxiety attack at the laundromat tonight. I left with most of my clothes still damp. I just needed to leave. I hate being there. Then i started wondering if it could possibly be about that time in Brooklyn when i was 5 or younger and my mom had a fight with some ladies in the laundromat and asked me to translate for her. I think we had left and come back and then my mom's clothes had some marks on them, like tread marks or something because somebody had taken them out of the machine. So she was arguing with these tall women, from what i remember, and bad words were said in either English or Spanish and there was a lot of anger and i was scared. Somewhere later, maybe out in the street or at home my mom asked me, angrily, why i didn't defend her. You know, since i spoke English and she didn't. That hurt my feelings a lot because i was scared and i just wished that my mom didn't argue with them and i was mad at her for making me translate.
So tonight i remembered that and wondered if that's why i've been so afraid of laundromats my whole life.
Dr. Hirsh said if i wrote that down then i wouldn't have to carry it around in my head all the time.

It's almost 10, i hope i go to sleep soon. I just took a really long shower. I had a bad night. I cried as hard as i did in the days right after my mom's wake and mass.
I called Dr. Hirsh because i couldn't calm myself down. I left him a message asking him to call me back tomorrow or Wednesday but he called back in just a few minutes. I wasn't prepared for that. I was crying when i picked up the phone and afraid that i wouldn't be able to talk. He talked to me for 23 minutes. He told me he was glad that i called because he knows how hard it is for me to reach out for help. He said he knew something was wrong if i actually made the call. He always tells me to and for over a year now i never called him in between our sessions.
I took a Lorazepam to try to go to sleep as soon as i got back from the laundromat. I was freaking out. Also, i had 4 cups of coffee today and i think that was not good.
I'm tired now. Trying to get some of it out before i go to bed.
I cried in the shower a lot. First time in many months that i almost couldn't stop crying. i'm afraid to let it start up again.
It's just super sad for me right now, i guess. I miss my mom, i regret so much that i did or didn't do, i think it's so fucked up that she died so soon. At least another 10 years would have been cool. I know too many people with really old parents or grandparents. 68 is not okay for someone to die.

I listened to the 25 most exquisitely sad songs in the whole world today. According to spinner.com. They were mostly meh until i got to the George Jones song about the guy who stopped loving the girl the day he died. Something about laying a wreath on his door and taking him away later that day. It brought me back to the day my mom died and the moment they took her body away. I know they did it fast because they don't want it to be drawn out and traumatic for the loved ones, but it was traumatic. Maybe i'm exaggerating. The cancer was traumatic. But watching them wrap up her body in her blanket, and then inside another maroon blanket and strapping her to a board and wheeling it out of the apartment...i wasn't prepared for that. I'd never seen nor read about that. I had Diana and Carol on either side of me, holding me and i remember gripping them and drawing in a sharp breath, when they zipped up the bag.
I had held her dead body and even took a couple of photos of her and me. It was my mom. I would have kept her if i could. I'm glad i was able to be with her when she left me, and glad i saw her die but i also don't feel "good" when i think about it. If i replay her moment of death in my head, the moment i somehow described as beautiful in my text to friends, it's like digging out a wound and making it fresh again.

I stopped using my lightbox for a couple of days. I guess i need it ASAP.

Dr. Hirsh said it's good that i'm not isolating. I know i need to force myself to be with friends and family.

He said that even if i'm crazy, which i'm not according to him, there are still people out there who would like me because i'm crazy. Also, if only one in a million people liked me, there are 8 people in New York who could like me and be my friend. That's a lot. Before support group i had just about maybe 8 friends. And i had zero family before my mom got sick. So, anyway, that was a cool way to look at it.

I forget what else he said but that always happens. It'll come to me later.

I need to sleep. I hope this pill works.

Also he keeps on telling me use the Ritalin. I have to try it again, i get so resistant to that stuff.

He said i do guilt really well. Imagine if that was a profession. But a painless one.
He said i'm having some strong emotions right now because this is a tough time of year for people who are in mourning. And he said that i've had strong emotions my whole life and that's true and i never thought of that before. I get scared at how black and white things are for me. Good-bad. Success-failure. Beautiful-ugly. Worthy-worthless.

I just need time to pass. I need for the dates not to mean anything. at least after January 1st, i'll have a whole month of just days. And then my mom's birthday. and then less than two months until the one year anniversary. fuck that's soon.

I NEED to join a gym. I won't exercise otherwise and i know now, more than ever in my life, i need to exercise. i need get this shit out of my body, this stress, need to sweat it out and breathe it out.
Gonna find a gym for the new year.