Best moment of Tuesday:
When i told my group how sad i am that both my tias are going to be out of the country for my mom's birthday and how i had planned to go to dinner with them to celebrate it. And then the girls asked me if they could go to dinner with me.
Just. So much heart and love. It's the best thing anyone's said to me in a long time.
And Fran crochets? AND she made a giant lovely blanket for Baby Elvis and gave Alison a baby bag? Chills. And some of us got teary eyed.

I LOVE when we're together in F.C. and one of us is talking and the rest are nodding simultaneously because we "get it" COMPLETELY. It's this great feeling of being home (i know i've said that before) and of being whole and of belonging.
I told the girls that so often i wish i could call my mom or go home and tell her about the scarves Kerri made or about the adorable story about Fran's kids, or about the beautiful coat that Brianne's uncle named after her. And i KNOW my mom would have loved them all so much. And it hurts me that she never met them. But...because she's not here...that's why we're together. And i have to believe that we had to be together. Were meant to.

I walked to Macy's afterward, discovered it's open for 24 hours a day until Christmas eve and just wandered among the crowds, simultaneously battling the memories that make me long for her while relishing the feeling of being there with her.
The lingerie floor, specifically all the pajamas mocked me. I hate them. I think they're evil. Stupid holiday reds and pinks and no mom to buy them for.

Boots shopping was a failure. Nothing fit right. The 4th floor was doable. The 5th floor was where it started getting to be too much. I missed her the second i walked in, i thought i'd be tear-less but it's almost like i was seeking them. It felt masochistic in a way. I was looking for her there, knowing i would only feel empty. Like i needed to get to that place of pain. It just made me sad. I ended up calling Diana and tia Emilia and i managed to turn from on the verge of tears to joking about sleeping in Macy's overnight. My mom and i would have had a BALL. We were both such night owls. I would have made her go with me in the middle of the night, just for the fun of it.

I left Macy's at around 11:45 then went into Old Navy for about another hour. Bought fuzzy socks. Missed my mom.

I got a great phone message from E.J. who was on his way to VT, to be with his family for the holidays. He always tells me that my mom is with me and that i'm not alone. Tonight he said, "you'll never be alone." I really like that.

Sometimes i'm just tired of crying.

Last night leaving tia B's apartment i had a a really scary moment. A woman walking toward me, at about 50 feet way, in a black coat, looked JUST like my mom. With her beautiful reddish wavy hair. Walked like her, was the same size, it was HER walking toward me. It freaked the hell out of me. As the woman got closer i saw that she had on a fur-trimmed hood, not beautiful wavy reddish hair. I immediately looked away because i did not want to see her as she got close. I did not want to see that it WASN'T my mother. I started to cry.

I'm getting good at getting teary in the streets. I feel it, just a few tears roll down my checks and then i breathe it out.

I can't wait for Christmas to be over. Last year was terrible. Christmas Day in the ER, my mom in terrible pain, unable to tell the date and unaware of who her sister was. It terrified me to think that she would stay that way but thankfully when we stopped the Fentanyl she was no longer so horribly disoriented.
I'm going to be so tired and sick tomorrow. I do NOT want to go to sleep but i'll fall asleep at around 6:30am and then panic that i'll oversleep that last hour.

Gonna set the alarm now.