Snow is making me depressed.
Another first.
First snow without mom.
Brings back memories of all our snowfalls together.
The same view outside the window of this apartment, but different view on the inside.
I woke up today and turned on my lightbox. Had breakfast, put a dvd on, surfed the web, played with my bird. I considered doing laundry but i really didn't have the energy. I looked up at the window and noticed that the first flakes were starting to fall. It was 1:59 pm. Wow, those weather.com people are accurate, i thought to myself.
And then i got sad because it's snowing and i'm alone and my mom is gone from this world.
The dismaying thing is how deeply the hurt is every time something like this happens. I know i'm sad, but then something happens to make me SO sad. It's like falling back down into the hole.
I slept for the rest of the afternoon.
Have done absolutely nothing today but half-watch dvds and look for the freaking Muppet Movie online. I can't find it anywhere and it's the one movie i really want to see.

I considered going to Macy's for a minute. I was looking at boots online earlier. I need snow/cold weather boots. Looked at so many sites and didn't see any that i really liked AND could afford. I got a terrible pang of pain and longing looking at boots because that's something i associate with my mom, too. We won't go boots shopping ever again. We did it every year. Part of me doesn't want to do it because she's not here.

I feel like i'm so black and white. I'm waiting for the gray. I think that if my mom is gone then i don't feel like making any decisions that relate to continuing to live. I'm living but do i really care about what boots i have or whether i'm warm or whether i eat or whether i finish college or whether i have a better job? Not right now. Sometimes i care for a few hours or a day. And then it goes away.
I'm waiting for the day i care about what happens to me, by myself.