i DO care about my family

I had a great, though exhausting week.I was very happy or feeling very good nearly every day. Probably because i spent most of the time with people who make me happy.

But today i'm sad and have no energy and i wish i could just go blank. I dreamt with my mom last night and she was sick and i was scared in the dream that she was getting too sick for me to be able to help her. I woke up feeling uneasy.

I had a conversation with Tia Emilia last night that hurt my feelings. She said that i don't really care about my family, that this is something she's figured out lately. It's not true. I'm not very good at showing people i care, i guess. I don't call Tia every day, maybe twice a week or once a week. I talk to my other Tia a lot more often because she calls me. And i see her more often because she lives nearby. I haven't seen Tia Emilia since before Christmas. I guess from her point of view i just don't care enough about her to make an effort to go to Long Island. She told me that i would rather spend time with anybody else than with my family. Not true. I said that i'm just not accustomed to spending 24 hours a day with family. That was a defensive use of exaggeration but the truth is, i lived without family for at least half of my life, if not more. I'm used to making my friends the priority. Well, my mother and my friends.

Tia Emilia just made me feel guilty because i really don't keep in contact the way i should or they expect or the way it's done in the Nino family. And she made me feel guilty for having fun and going out to do things with friends. Whenever i tell her about an event i'm going to she says, "enjoy yourself," but each time i wonder if she's being sincere or not. Like i detect a hint of bitterness. But am i projecting? My mom didn't do that. She flat out chastised me for going out with friends and having fun and neglecting my "duties at home" or accused me of being embarrassed of going out with my mother. She made it seem like she was offended that i spent time with other people and not her. But that wasn't true. We spent so much time together.

But it gets to the point with both of my tias, and in remembering my mom, that i can't tell the difference between what reality is and what they guilt-trip me about. I don't think i'm as bad as they make me out to be but what if i am? How can i even know?

I told Tia that i wanted to go to Long Island last night but i was extremely tired and didn't feel well so i went straight home after work. I didn't tell her that i'd been out nearly every night for a week straight and that's why i'm tired. And, mind you, not out drinking and partying, just doing things with people i like such as: Miss Millenium on Saturday, knitting club on Sunday, book club on Monday/hanging out with Jes for a bit, Fight Club on Tuesday, KRISTEENYOUNG with Jenna and Mike on Wednesday.
So i told Tia i wanted to go but decided not to in the end. She said, "oh yeah, you really wanted, you really wanted. yeah, right." It's far and it costs money to go out there. But then again when she's gone from this world i'll probably feel guilty that i didn't make more of an effort to spend time with her. But when do i start acting by my own decisions and not out of guilt? How do you do that?

Tia also said that family in Colombia has been asking about me, that they want to know how i am. So i felt bad that i never call them to talk. But i didn't grow up talking to them. I mean, i love them, and i've had some wonderful times with them but it's not like i spend every summer or every holiday with my family. No, it was almost always just me and my mom. I do need to reach out to my tia Angelica and my cousin Pilar who were very supportive of my mom and me. I mean, we had a connection to them in particular even though lots of members of my family were incredibly supportive.

Maybe i'm an ingrate, like Tia Beatriz calls me. I HATE that word. I already told her not to use it but she's an old lady and i can't change her. She also called me in a panic yesterday because she's leaving for Ecuador next week and has lots of last minute packing and preparing to do. It was 8:30 pm and she needed me to come over and help her. I do want to help her, and i promised to go tomorrow. I guess in between seeing a play with Koji and going to Jes' to watch The Golden Globes. Then i'll go to Long Island on Monday and spend the whole day there.

I felt guilty telling Tia Emilia that i have an Eddie Izzard concert tonight at MSG (tickets i bought in October!) and another event tomorrow. She said that she told the family in Colombia that i'm fine, that i seem to be fine and that i have fun. So, and we talk about this in Fight Club, part of me wants to make sure people know i am in pain. Even if they see me laugh or if i go to a show or a party, that doesn't mean i'm not sad or grieving or a mess on some levels. Why do we care that people know this or not? It won't make me feel better. I think it's because it's important to acknowledge that the loss of my mother is devastating. Not just the day she died, or the month after or for the first year. Always. And even when life goes on, that fact still remains.

I don't want to have to tell Tia that i do fun things to make myself laugh, to forget my sadness, to distract myself from the dark times. I don't want to feel like i HAVE to explain myself. But i also know i don't want her to think that i don't care about my mother anymore and that i'm just out there having fun, and forgetting about my family.

Also, just because i don't want to go to Colombia doesn't mean i don't love my family. I don't want to go. I don't want to force myself to do it when i don't want to.

I also need to remind myself that Tia Emilia is a master of the guilt trip and is also the best exaggerater i know. She blows things out of proportion and is melodramatic a lot of the time. I love her immensely but there's something about her, whether she's criticizing the way i look or the things i do, that just brings me down. I guess not that different from my relationship with my mom. She made me feel great and me feel bad.

I feel C-R-A-P-P-Y today. I'm avoiding the Haiti news.
Oh, please let this be really bad PMS. I think part of it must be that. It gets me pretty bad. I guess i just get more sensitive around this time.
Good thing i have a comedy concert tonight to help me fill my laughter quota.

I really feel right now like i don't want to leave my apartment. I don't want to be in daylight or around people. I used my lightbox for 2 hours today. I need to do laundry so badly. I need to buy a dryer.
I'm resisting binging to make myself feel better. I've eaten healthy today so far.
I can't even think of any junk food that would entice me right now.