Over the past week i've developed a terribly painful and constantly worsening pain in my right hand/wrist/forearm. It was like a 9 on Friday, an 8 on Thursday. Me and my stupid bad posture when i'm typing. So i need to get a brace of some kind or one of those wrist supports. Barb from work even gave me the names of 2 doctors she saw for her hand problems. Ugh, i do not want it to go there. Maybe there are some exercises that can help me.
I think i had the best weekend i've had in maybe 11 months. It was Diana's birthday on Friday and we had a small family dinner, then yesterday i hung out with Carol and tia Emilia birthday gift shopping in L.I. and in the evening we went to a Korean karaoke club near Penn Station and that was SO. MUCH. FUN! My cousins make me feel so good about myself and i'm constantly surprised that, 1) they like me, and 2) they hang out with me or let me hang out with them. I feel this weird trapped-in-my-childhood feeling that they're the cool older cousins and i'm the lame-o kid that's terrified of going near the edge of the water at the beach. But despite feeling like i'm not cool enough for them, that feeling disappears when they make me feel like i belong. It's pretty fantastic and i love them very much for it. I also am astounded and profoundly inspired by the strength that both Carol and Diana have had during their crazy, young lives. These are women to go down in the history books. They're like the bridge between our family's old-fashioned ways and culture and a modern sense of a woman as a complete human being, with the same values and failings as a man, and not meant to be the servant of a man. I think i grew up too much seeing women at the feet of their men, ready to answer to their call. And yet again more reasons why i 1) harbor resentment, and 2) detest Latin men.
So Friday was relaxed and nice. After dinner we went back to Diana's and drank sangria and sang karaoke on Diana's Playstation or Xbox, one of those. It was great. I drank so much i lost track and even did a shot of aguardiente which i haven't touched ever since someone gave it to me at my 15th birthday party in Bogota. Then Javier came at the end of the night to pick up Sebastian and we started talking about life and death and shit like that. And OH MAN am i talkative when i'm drunk. I would not shut up. Finally we all had to leave and it was 3am and poor Diana was passed out asleep on her own couch.
I woke up with one of the worst hangovers in my life. I thought i wouldn't make it to the real karaoke on Saturday night. But tia Emilia took care of me and fortunately i was good as new by 8pm.
It was really nice to spend time with tia. I talked to her so much about how much i miss my mom and how i see her every time i'm in the bathroom at either tia's apartment. I told her how much i miss her on the subway, how being in my apartment doesn't make me sad, but it's the outside world that triggers painful memories. I was so happy that tia talked so openly with me. I think i was afraid she would be uncomfortable or something but it was the total opposite. She even talked to me about her grief after her husband was killed 20 years ago (in a few weeks it'll be the 20th anniversary). Tia told me that for a year she would cry all the time and that many times she would get lost driving and just pull over somewhere and cry and cry, missing tio Arturo. She also told me how much she cried over the malicious things her inlaws said to her and how badly they treated her, basically accusing her of being happy that her husband died. Sounds kind of soap-opera-y but much sadder. Poor tia.
We talked a lot about how my mom died in peace, too. For the umpteenth time i described my mom's moment of death and i was glad that tia actually wanted me to tell her. Tia Beatriz is just as open with me. Tia Emilia said one thing when we were at the restaurant on Friday that i won't forget. I told her that i miss my mom always. I said, "mi mama me hace falta en cada momento." It really means, my mother is missing to me, is necessary to me, i.e. i need my mom. And tia responded, "Toda la vida. Uno extrana a la madre toda la vida." And she said it so vehemently. Your whole life, you miss your mother during your whole life. And that was comforting to me.
Oh, how painful. I just accidentally erased a whole lot more that i had written. Oh well, it got written down, at least it's outside of me now. I guess that's the advantage of writing on paper, you don't hit the wrong key and lose your most intimate thoughts.
I developed some old disposable cameras on Friday and one of them had pics from about 5 years ago when my tia Emilia and i treated my mom to lunch for her birthday at a Japanese buffet restaurant. Very cute pics. And then on Friday evening i was at a Japanese restaurant with tia Emilia and Diana, celebrating her birthday. I thought that was very cool.
My last song at karaoke that Diana and Carol said was the song of the night, and MY song of the night (we left at 3:30 am). I think that in my drunken stupor i actually felt and believed this song, from MY American Idol, Fantasia:
I believe in the impossible
If I reach deep within my heart
Overcome any obstacle
Won't let this dream just fall apart
you see i strive to be the very best
Shine my light for all to see
Cause anything is possible
When you believe yeah yeah yeah yeah
I can see it in the stars up in the sky
Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize
You see I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive
And finally I believe
oh yeah i believe
(wrist is hurting...)
No comments:
Post a Comment