Dog sees god

I saw this really great play tonight. Andre invited Erika and i to see the play that a friend of his wrote and a different friend directed and produced. It's actually a play from a few years ago called "Dog Sees God," and it's about the main characters from the Peanuts comic strip as teenagers dealing with everything from death to personal and sexual identity to bullying. It was totally wonderful: smart, funny, touching, and truthful. I really liked it but i was also feeling, to paraphrase something Jenna said about a movie, "fuck you play!" I was with my coworkers and i didn't want to cry in front of them. I found myself turning my heart off and trying to become stone cold. I didn't want to get emotional, i didn't want to hurt or be sensitive in a room full of strangers plus my 4 coworkers. Plus i was already kind of raw from having seen Dr. Hirsh and walking through the streets wrestling with more bad memories.

When i said that what i tried to do for my mom wasn't enough, Dr. Hirsh said it was enough, but it just didn't change the outcome. It sounds good, but...how is that enough? In "Broken Open" the author talks about the need to stop blaming oneself and to give into the process of healing. Some crap like that. Haha. No, i forgot exactly but i think that's what Dr. Hirsh was saying, too. But that's not going to happen overnight.

Doc says i have to talk to Arthur about my feelings because if i don't the problem is not going to go away by itself. We talked on the phone tonight because he's catsitting in Brooklyn for the next two weeks, and it was nice. It's great when we talk on the phone. It's the whole "he lives here" thing that i have trouble with. Roseanne from work told me that both he and i need to have patience for each other. I hate patience sometimes.

So, clearly there are lots of things that excite and engage me in the world. Currently it's The Love Boat on dvd, and Dynasty on youtube. I'm just forever reliving my childhood. And there are so many people, and new people, that i care very deeply about. So there is a point to my life. I just need a bigger purpose. Not a special purpose, like in "The Jerk. " Just a bigger purpose.

But right now i'm feeling so super selfish. I mean i care about my tias and try to help them as much as i can by giving them my time and attention (as well as getting their attention). But i've been planning to do things that will make me happy. Jazz at Lincoln Center, the NY Film Festival, ABT in October, the Fringe Festival, and movies, movies, movies. So selfish. But i really want it.

I also want to visit Rick and Annie in Las Vegas before they move back to NYC in the late fall. I had the best time in Las Vegas with my mom 3 years ago and for some reason i've been dying to go there all summer. More than anywhere else in the world. I'm not afraid of being sad there. I think i need the good memories for once, instead of this city which is full of hospitals that failed us.