Wait, not the romantic kind. The DVD kind. I bought season one, volume one of "The Love Boat" yesterday and i am all kinds of giddy about it. It might be the show that can cheer me up more than any other. Unless "Dance Fever" suddenly is released on DVD.
Kerri's birthday celebration, or observed birthday party, as her friend called it, was fun tonight. I met Alison at her apartment and we walked over together which was great because she knew exactly where to go. Kerri looked adorable in her yellow dress and blue accessories. Kerri was happy and laughing with all her friends and that was just great to watch. We ate veggie burgers with fries and everything was delicious. Not to mention hte amazing Magnolia cupcakes, provided by her friends. I got Kerri 4 dvds that represent pieces of New York that i love, so she can take them with her, wherever she goes: Moonstruck, Dog Day Afternoon, After Hours and West Side Story. Narrowing it down to four was tough but it was so much fun to research.
On the way down to my aunt's for lunch today, i had another attack of sadness. I can't recall right now what it was, maybe the mugginess. Somehow the hot weather makes me think of how my mother dealt with it. I wish she was here to feel the heat like i do. I texted Georgia, in part to remember my thought at the moment, that sometimes i can't believe that i can get through every day despite all the painful memories that constantly come up. Sometimes being outside in the world is terrifying. There's an infinite quantity of reminders and signifiers, as Jenna put it once, out there in the city. Lately i've been crying a lot on public transportation. I've been really wrestling with my memories, especially of the bad times. I don't ever want to forget them, because i don't want to pretend like it didn't happen. But my biggest hope right here and now is that one day i can recall the memories and not feel intense pain and terror. I have faith that when i am healed, even though it will always hurt to have lost my mom to cancer, i will be able to say "this happened to us, but i survived and the pain didn't win."
For now nothing really matters. Except being in the presence of the people i love. I'm not enthusiastic about anything in life and i'm okay with that. I'm not thinking about the future at all, just living in the moment i guess. Sometimes i try to do what would have made my mother happy, but most of all i'm doing all the things that amuse me like watching movies and hanging out with my friends. I think that every second that i'm not laughing and being amused is a second when i'm feeling pain and missing my mom.
Today i was thinking about the two types of grief i have. Sadness because i don't have my mom anymore and sadness because my mother got sick and died and that is SO FUCKING CRUEL. The lady who always took care of her health, who wouldn't let me eat breakfast cereal with colors in them because they were full of chemicals, the lady who was so concerned with recycling before we even had recycling in our building; this good-hearted, well-intentioned, funny, friendly, kind, gentle, caring, smart and conscientious woman was stolen by cancer. When will this fact become less painful?
Back to distraction:
Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure
Your mind on a new romance
And love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore
It's love
Welcome aboard
It's love!
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