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Been having good dreams lately. Not exactly every night in a row, but some good dreams this week. I still dream consistently with my mother. I have to find her each morning, search my memories for the dream in which she appeared the night before.

Last night we were by a pool and i gave her some dollar bills to go buy some cookies or something. Oh, i think i gave her $6. We might have been on vacation. Maxi was there. And a girl who looked like a more grown up teenage version of Athena. But she was actually a snotty, manipulative, deceitful girl who i was hosting and i needed to be careful to not be manipulated by her. Weird and disturbing. But mom was fine in the dream. Funny part came later when i was in some kind of competition/test of will and Nigel Lythgoe from So You Think You Can Dance was shouting directions at me and i ended up telling someone that he had coached me through my task. He gave me hints about how to face my challenge. I was picking up what looked like straps of leather with two giant sticks. Kind of like a pair of giant chopsticks and giant noodles. But they were also like stilts. At Nigel's nudging, i stood on them like i would on stilts and hopped about, using my feet to push the pieces of leather or whatever pieces of dark brown stuff over to wherever i need to push them. It was like sweeping with stilts. And Nigel said to me at some point that everybody there had their own different challenge, designed for each individual. I recounted to a colleague or neighbor there that Nigel had told me mine was focus or attention or something like that but i couldn't remember because i wasn't paying attention at the time. And we laughed. But i think it was focus or determination.

I dreamt that my mom and i hung out in the city the way Georgia and i hang out sometimes. Just window shopping and eating. And i told her that i had been trying to improve my posture and i showed her and she looked and said, yeah it is improving. And that made me so happy. I even woke up happy that she had noticed.

Earlier in the week i dreamt that i was at a wake or gathering after Colombia's death, at Petri's apartment, and my mom was there and she read or said something poignant and Petri was moved and grateful. It was a moment where i didn't know if my mom would embarrass herself or be ridiculed by everyone there, but she ended up being profound and touching. It was a somber moment and situation in general, but my mom's peacefulness and wisdom were so strong and present. I remember sitting next to her on the couch as she spoke aloud and everyone listened. I can't remember what she said.

Sunday was horrible, crying until 4am. Monday i was exhausted but even-keeled (thankfully too tired to even think). Tuesday was better, even slightly chipper. Today was okay, tired again, but not horrible.

I need to get Sandy's beak trimmed. She's been biting me and making me bleed. I tried to trim it and...that was a disaster and failure. And bloody for me.

Can't sleep. When i lie down i think too much and see too many bad things. I need to turn off my mind.

I saw a reading of Jesse's play, "Clutter," today. It was really great. I enjoyed it and would love to see it performed fully on stage, with sets and costumes and lighting. I wish, would love, hope to be able to write something about my life experience with my mom. Maybe poetry, maybe a play.