October Monday

By the time i got to work this morning i had decided that October was destined to suck royally, that it wouldn't just be today that sucked. I'd begun feeling the lows of PMS, i lost my monthly Metrocard on Friday with about 3 weeks left on it, i fell forward going up the stairs to catch the train, narrowly missing smashing my face, and i'd just spent A LOT of money i didn't have over the weekend.

As usual, my bad mood dissipated, against my will, as i interacted with coworkers and laughed or commented about lighthearted, unimportant things.
Later in the afternoon, i commented aloud that i couldn't believe it was going so well. I had called 5 schools and actually reached someone and actually got the information i needed. I couldn't complain anymore because the day was actually going kind of well.

The book club meeting was nice. We all agreed that we HATED the book, i mean HATED. How Candace Bushnell got a publishing deal i'll never know.

On the way home i listened to Kristeen Young's "Enemy" which i just bought today from Amazon as a digital download, then to "Music for Strippers, Hookers, and the Odd On-Looker" which i have been loving for the past week and a half.

I looked at an older woman who was sitting across from me on the subway ride home and i thought that her wrinkles made her look beautiful. She was dressed in a kind of cool, modern way, not exactly youthful but not conservative either. She was eating a pastry or something and the wrinkles around her lips and her smile lines were accentuated as she chewed. She looked so relaxed and un-self-conscious that it made her look more beautiful. And in a split second i thought of my mom and how her face had aged and how she cared about the wrinkles on her face and how the passage of time equals more wrinkles. And the tears started to well up in my eyes.

I imagined i could look across at my mom sitting there, with her wrinkles showing the passage of her years on Earth, marking all her smiles and all her frowns. I remembered how my mom looked so cute and confident in her aloof way. She had style and purpose. I miss her coat with her rose pin and the way she tied her red pashmina scarf around her neck and how she positioned her beret just so on her head. I'll miss her so much this winter. She hated the cold and always wanted to live in a warmer climate, but i loved her style in the winter.