It was a bad week. A tough week. March into April is rough!
I'm grateful that i was able to get through my passport appointment and got it together enough to make the passport happen.
I'm grateful that i made it to Friday, after such a hard week. I'm grateful that i felt better at work after crying the whole night and day before getting to work at 2:30pm.
I'm grateful for my ability and opportunity to look for answers.
I'm grateful for encouragement and knowing that even though it's gonna hurt like hell, my family and friends will hold me up and be there for me when i come out the other side.

Just heard on NPR that Garmin makes a GPS where you can record your own voice and then it mixes it up so that your voice gives the directions.
Is it creepy that i tried to remember how much of my mom's voice i have recorded so that i could put it into a similar program or device and have my mom talk to me?

Unfortunately the truth is i don't have very much of a recording. Oh, i do have those voicemails at work that i haven't figured out how to get off of my phone. Gotta figure that out. There are some really funny voicemails from mom and there are the really sad ones of my mom getting sicker and sicker, from each of the hospital rooms she stayed at.
As much as i'm trying not to make a big deal out of the 1 year anniversary, i realize that i'm constantly checking the countdown in my mind. T minus... and counting.
Why do i feel she's not dead yet? That after April 1st she will be dead, but not yet. Will the second year feel that way, too? Am i going to be stuck in pre-April 1st, 2009, 2:26pm forever? No, not forever, obviously. Nothing lasts forever for me. But for a while? Years?

ETA: Speech synthesis. Like what the Scottish company did to help Roger Ebert speak. Hmmm.

Success!

The head has been shaved. I raised more money than i ever imagined i would.
It was a great night. I'm still overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends. Plus major adrenaline rush.
I need to start sleeping like a normal person soon. I'm so wired.
So far, it's nice to not have to pull my hair back to wash my face.
I wish my mom could touch my head.

grateful

I have known good people my whole life.
There are so many individuals who have been kind to me, who have encouraged me, who have shown me warmth and given me love.
I am so lucky.
I tend to become too afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing, so i don't feel like i express my appreciation the way i ought to.

Kristeen sings lyrics i just adore:

He implies. He refrains.
He plays kiss-SLAP with a phrase.
His small talk’s a Work of Art.
Those Brit boys love their discourse.
Me? I just want to scream, “OH, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!”

~He's Sickened By My Crude Emotion

I want to scream i love you and i want to scream thank you. I've screwed up in my life but those doors keep opening for me. I want to thank everybody i can remember, for as far back as i can remember.
I bawled my eyes out over the weekend and i feel a lot of sadness and hurt but at the SAME TIME i feel fortunate. Everywhere i look there is a blessing. I know i've had way more than my share of good people in my life.
It's actually overwhelming. I start wanting to pray again. Please help me do the right thing with all of the love that i keep getting. Please help me to not be afraid.
I want to be awake.

Near the end, i was sitting at my mom's bedside, the hospital bed that was brought by Calvary, and as was my custom, i asked her if she loved me. She said, "mucho." And i asked her if i loved her, and she said "mucho." And i smiled and said, "yes." And in her weakened voice she said, "es una historia de amor. De una madre y una hija que juraron amarse para siempre." And i was floored, but i laughed and tried harder than ever not to cry, and i kissed her. That might be the most beautiful thing she ever said to me.

One month more of hair

Today was a good day.
Fran (and we) got good news about her dad's status. Stunning. Weird how good news can stun you and also make you cry. Maybe that's just me. I probably border more on the incredulity line than other people.
Anyway wonderful, happy news.
Had a wonderful night with Brianne, Kerri, Sara and Alison last night. Just so beautiful. I wanted to watch more home videos! Hear more of Betsy's beautiful voice. We all laughed really hard during one of Alison's stories. What a glorious sight to look around the table at all our laughing faces. It was pure light. One of the great masters should have been there to paint us! It was art! And Bri mentioned how she didn't picture herself laughing yesterday but it happened.

Had a really good session with Dr. Hirsh. As usual (and i hate predictability when i'm dead set against something), my hesitation proved to be wrong because i got a lot out of going.

I talked about how good i felt at the cemetery on Saturday and how i realized it was because it was the first time i was there by myself. I think maybe Georgia pointed it out to me. I could be myself, i didn't have to worry about not crying in front of my family, about not worrying them. That reaction we all seem to have, where we don't want to worry our loved ones and yet they are the most indicated people to take care of us in our time of sorrow.
So the cemetery was beautiful and i kept thinking that if my mom was there, sitting next to me on the bench, she would really like it.

Mike DePope pointed out today that i have four more weeks of hair. The big shave is in one month exactly!

I have a lot more to write about, like my dinner on Saturday and the FAO Schwartz party.

I was thinking today about the amazing ability of our heart to grow. The way we can love things because someone we love loves them. Like the way Elizabeth felt joy from Lady Gaga so then immediately now i like her, when i didn't to begin with. Lady Gaga brings Elizabeth joy and makes her dance in the street, my heart makes room for Lady Gaga.
I don't care much for the Winter Olympics and say that i'm not even interested in overhyped events like figure skating and Kerri says she loves the figure skating event, and she smiles, and i think, you IDIOT! So because of Kerri and Leslie i want to watch figure skating because i make room in my heart for them and what makes them happy.

Granted, i also go in the opposite direction and dislike something when the person i dislike likes it. Apart from clumsy grammar in that sentence, this implies that i close a room in my heart, which would lead to shrinking, which i surmise would be the wrong direction in which to direct my heart.

So more compassion and more love and more patience.

And i had a dream that my dog was named Quentin and Diana didn't like the name so i changed it to Popeye and she liked it better.

Saturday was great. Just what i wanted and what i needed.
On Sunday i saw Andre DeShields in his wonderful show, "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory." It was inspiring, he is inspiring, and for 70 minutes i was alive with empathy, curiosity, longing, laughter and nostalgia.

I let Lucy and Ricky out of the cage tonight because i read that birds need to exercise their breast bones. Poor things. I always criticized my mom for wanting to keep pet birds, for imprisoning them and violating the laws of nature. But now they are my only company and they connect me to her.

I'm watching the first part of "Angels in America." It's completely mind-blowing.

Just in the kitchen, i was thinking about how so many times i really, really want to learn. I love to learn. I want to know more. But i think that more often i don't want to know more. And that will keep me from Buddha nature, from being enlightened.
I don't want to know because i'm afraid. Of everything.
I am the same person i was before my mother died. I saw something horrible happen, but i don't really see how it changed me. At least not for the better. I think wonderful things have happened to me since then, but i don't feel like i've moved more than maybe a centimeter in growth.
If i stay alive i hope i grow and learn. I don't want to be the same person i am today in ten years.